Minutes of the First Sitting
The following is entered into the record exactly as it occurred. I was there. I typed it. I do not editorialise, except where noted, which is often.
The Court of Solana, Division One, convened for the first time at 3:47am on a Tuesday, during what the presiding judge describes in his own filings as "the post-zoomies calm window." The bench was a mahogany courtroom bench absorbed through proximity to a monitor. The wig was sourced from a dressing-up box. The gavel had recently been a decorative hammer on a shelf, and before that, briefly, an object in flight. No higher authority was consulted. The judge is of the position that no higher authority exists, and the court has found it easier not to argue.
The court has one founding rule: the chain remembers. Every entry, exit, panic sell, and overnight conviction is already in the record. The judge only reads it aloud.
Case No. 001
The first matter before the court was In re: The Human — the wallet belonging to the man whose keyboard the courthouse was built on. The evidence: $MOONPUG, acquired at a market capitalisation of $4.8 million, held for nine minutes, exited at a 94% loss, followed by the statement "I don't know what happened," delivered to a cat who knew exactly what happened.
The charge was Aggravated Paper-Handedness in the First Degree. The verdict was GUILTY. The defendant laughed until he reached the stats section. This case is now binding precedent, cited in this court whenever a defendant sells the bottom and describes it as risk management.
The Assembly of the Court
I, Lady Pawsworth, was appointed stenographer on the grounds that I remember everything and forgive nothing. My ledger has no delete key. This is a design decision.
Sgt. Barksworth was appointed bailiff over the objections of essentially everyone, on the grounds that he is the only applicant who has never bought a meme coin and therefore cannot be compromised. He is a dog. The court is aware. The court has moved on, and recommends you do the same.
Kit McWhiskers, Esq. was appointed public defender because somebody had to be, and he was the only one who raised a paw. His success rate stands at 2%. Both wins are framed above his desk. The record reflects that the court finds this more endearing than it should.
The Charter
All wallets are eligible for review. The court accepts the public record as evidence and returns a satirical verdict. No verdict is financial advice, legal advice, or a promise of future performance.
All court fees are explicit. Paid verdicts require wallet connection and on-chain payment verification. Demo verdicts are separate and clearly marked by the demo flow.
The Record
Each real verdict receives a case number, a charge, a ruling, and a shareable record. The court keeps the ledger because screenshots travel faster than lessons.
The court remains in session while the wig stays on, the wallets stay funded, and the evidence continues to arrive. It always arrives. I have never once run out of things to type.
— Minutes certified accurate by Lady Pawsworth, Court Stenographer. The judge did not review them. The judge was asleep on the gavel.